Place:
Prayer Closet
I haven't stopped struggling with a feeling of being unworthy to draw as closely to God as I've been for so long. I've been meditating on this verse and its context:
When Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord!"
(Luke 5:8 NKJV)
I've often identified with Peter. It seems to me that he wants desperately to be a godly man. Perhaps he tries too hard. He is continually tripped up over his foot in his mouth—by being confronted with his inherent sinfulness.
In the Scriptures, I can feel Peter's great love for Jesus. I empathize with how horrible Peter would have felt to have declared with sincere passion that he would follow the Lord anywhere, and then falter in the moment of testing. I think of Peter plunging into the sea and rushing to shore when Jesus appears after His resurrection, and their verbal wrestling over Peter's love.
Then the Lord surprises me with a question.
Abba whisper:
Do you still love Me?
I cannot answer. I want to say, like Peter, "Lord, You know all things—You know I love you." But I've fallen so far short in expressing love that I don't feel I have the right to assert my love, even as I can feel it burning within my heart.
Abba whisper:
Why do you not come closer?
I have to think for a long time. The question has been dogging me for months. I've come up with many reasons, and I search my heart for the root of the matter.
It's one thing to lose my temper or have some other outward action confront me with a display of the sinfulness I still carry with me. It's another to have my Lord's words of rebuke sear my soul with revelation of my inner iniquity—and with expression of His displeasure.
I know I'm forgiven for all my sins, past and future. I also know that the iniquity of my flesh is just as present. I hate myself to know I'm just as likely to keep stumbling in front of the holy God I love.
Me:
I fear Your displeasure.
I think of the phrase I've seen in Scripture, "Your hot displeasure." I look it up and read two Psalms where it appears, begninning to end. I linger over these words.
O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your wrath,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure!
For Your arrows pierce me deeply,
And Your hand presses me down.
There is no soundness in my flesh
Because of Your anger,
Nor any health in my bones
Because of my sin.
For my iniquities have gone over my head;
Like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.
(Psalms 38:1-4 NKJV)
I think to myself that if the Lord simply spoke word of affirmation, words of favor, I could feel it safe to again draw as close as I have. I feel I cannot presume upon His favor until He extends the sceptre. I think of how many times and ways He has affirmed me in the past and how I wish He would do so now. But that is not what He offers.
Abba whisper:
You want only a Father's affirmation and not the rebuke?
Again, I cannot answer. I know His many affirmations have been far more numerous and greater than His few rebukes, even more than that last, strongest rebuke.
Me:
I just want the sweet fellowship again. It won't be the same now.
Abba whisper:
It will be better.
I know what He speaks is true. I don't disbelieve. But I'm so discouraged to know my weakness that I don't know how to engage myself with the Lord. He's so strong. His might overwhelms me.
Me:
I'm so weak. I just want You to carry me.
Abba whisper:
I have been. I want you to walk with Me.
Prayer:
Lord, I feel too weak to walk with Someone as mighty as You. I once wanted to do great things for You because of my great debt to Your Love, to Your Grace. I used to leap up onto the altar. It's all I can do to crawl onto the altar now that I understand what a shamefully blemished sacrifice I am. You deserve better. Please help me in my weakness. Please help me understand how to see myself as You see me, neither putting myself down nor puffing myself up. If You ask me to walk with You, please help me rise to Your steady pace, with the unforced spring in my step that I used to have. Please let me be Your joy.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-ACCEPTANCE
Lord, it's said that many people who suffer catastrophic loss go through up to five stages of profound grief. Do we even recognize the process when the bottom falls out of our world and our heart feels it has nothing upon which to rest as each agonizing beat thuds in our chest?
Is that what Your grief feels like, but without the human process?
Might I have avoided the denial if I'd have been walking more closely in Your shadow? Or would I be too prideful and selfish to recognize my problems anyway? I don't want to beat myself up any more, but I also don't want to miss whatever You might still teach me there.
I suppose the downright sinful part was the anger toward You. I know it only happened a few times, in moments of greatest pain—like an injured animal which bites its beloved master. But I'm not an animal. How could I ever be angry with You for even a moment? I still can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry, Lord. You know I love You. I don't ever want to question You again.
Just how did I manage to touch You when I bargained? When I became desperate for something to change, then dug in my heels and started fasting? You said fasting was not the means to manipulate You, and I said yeah I guess I knew that but kept fasting because I wasn't willing to keep going the way it was. And then You said fasting wasn't a means by which You'd force someone else to move and I said okay whatever but I've got to do something and so I kept fasting. And then another blow came and I simply gave up. I was so broken, Lord, so very broken ...
But things did start to change.
Was there a way to lie shattered and broken without lapsing into depression? Or is that exactly the place from which You wanted me to cry out, "Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him"—? Did my wail reach the gates of Hell when I told the devil, "Go ahead. Keep up your crap. You might convince me all joy in life is over. You might know where to tempt me and how to exploit my weaknesses and make me stumble. You've made me wish I was dead. But you will not make me curse God! My God is good, and He is good all the time!"
My Lord, I know I have Your acceptance. Does Your will have mine yet? I speak it more often than I feel it. It's been really hard, Abba. I'm afraid to believe I've really heard You speak reassurance, because I still remember Your rebuke. I know You had to do that. But it also hurt more than everything else combined, to see my sinfulness the way You do and feel Your displeasure.
I know Your acceptance is so much bigger than Your displeasure. Thank You for showing me acceptance this day.
Thank You that Your displeasure only touched me and shall not prevail, because of Jesus. Please show me how to walk in Your acceptance, Abba. Please shield my heart from the darkness which could ever again prompt Your displeasure.
Please be gentle with me, my Lord; for I am so small and broken and weak, and You are so great and glorious and mighty.
For You have hidden Your face from us,
And have consumed us because of our iniquities.
But now, O LORD, You are our Father;
We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all we are the work of Your hand.
Do not be furious, O LORD,
Nor remember iniquity forever;
Indeed, please look—we all are Your people!
~ Isaiah 64:7-9 (NKJV)
Is that what Your grief feels like, but without the human process?
Might I have avoided the denial if I'd have been walking more closely in Your shadow? Or would I be too prideful and selfish to recognize my problems anyway? I don't want to beat myself up any more, but I also don't want to miss whatever You might still teach me there.
I suppose the downright sinful part was the anger toward You. I know it only happened a few times, in moments of greatest pain—like an injured animal which bites its beloved master. But I'm not an animal. How could I ever be angry with You for even a moment? I still can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry, Lord. You know I love You. I don't ever want to question You again.
Just how did I manage to touch You when I bargained? When I became desperate for something to change, then dug in my heels and started fasting? You said fasting was not the means to manipulate You, and I said yeah I guess I knew that but kept fasting because I wasn't willing to keep going the way it was. And then You said fasting wasn't a means by which You'd force someone else to move and I said okay whatever but I've got to do something and so I kept fasting. And then another blow came and I simply gave up. I was so broken, Lord, so very broken ...
But things did start to change.
Was there a way to lie shattered and broken without lapsing into depression? Or is that exactly the place from which You wanted me to cry out, "Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him"—? Did my wail reach the gates of Hell when I told the devil, "Go ahead. Keep up your crap. You might convince me all joy in life is over. You might know where to tempt me and how to exploit my weaknesses and make me stumble. You've made me wish I was dead. But you will not make me curse God! My God is good, and He is good all the time!"
My Lord, I know I have Your acceptance. Does Your will have mine yet? I speak it more often than I feel it. It's been really hard, Abba. I'm afraid to believe I've really heard You speak reassurance, because I still remember Your rebuke. I know You had to do that. But it also hurt more than everything else combined, to see my sinfulness the way You do and feel Your displeasure.
I know Your acceptance is so much bigger than Your displeasure. Thank You for showing me acceptance this day.
Thank You that Your displeasure only touched me and shall not prevail, because of Jesus. Please show me how to walk in Your acceptance, Abba. Please shield my heart from the darkness which could ever again prompt Your displeasure.
Please be gentle with me, my Lord; for I am so small and broken and weak, and You are so great and glorious and mighty.
For You have hidden Your face from us,
And have consumed us because of our iniquities.
But now, O LORD, You are our Father;
We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all we are the work of Your hand.
Do not be furious, O LORD,
Nor remember iniquity forever;
Indeed, please look—we all are Your people!
~ Isaiah 64:7-9 (NKJV)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Psalm 118
1 Oh, give thanks to YHWH, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.
2 Let Israel now say,
"His mercy endures forever."
3 Let the house of Aaron now say,
"His mercy endures forever."
4 Let those who fear YHWH now say,
"His mercy endures forever."
Because I know You, I love You, My God. Because I know You, how can I not fear You? And because I know You, I do not hesitate to declare, "Oh, give thanks to YHWH, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever."
5 I called on YAH in distress;
YAH answered me and set me in a broad place.
6 YHWH is on my side;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?
How could I have known that the rough winds I thought to be a storm merely portended the fierce gales to follow? Would I have clung to You more tightly?
7 YHWH is for me among those who help me;
Therefore I shall see my desire on those who hate me.
8 It is better to trust in YHWH
Than to put confidence in man.
9 It is better to trust in YHWH
Than to put confidence in princes.
No matter. I called to both You and to human help. You were the One to answer. You are the Rock of Ages. You sent human help to comfort when it pleased You.
10 All nations surrounded me,
But in the name of YHWH I will destroy them.
11 They surrounded me,
Yes, they surrounded me;
But in the name of YHWH I will destroy them.
12 They surrounded me like bees;
They were quenched like a fire of thorns;
For in the name of YHWH I will destroy them.
13 You pushed me violently, that I might fall,
But YHWH helped me.
The Enemy's violent thrusts seemed like they would never end. Even now he seems to hover. Though You enabled me to vanquish him he yet watches me in my exhausted weakness. Your name is my strong tower, to which I run and am safe. You make me to know the broad place of salvation.
14 YAH is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation.
15 The voice of rejoicing and salvation
Is in the tents of the righteous;
The right hand of YHWH does valiantly.
16 The right hand of YHWH is exalted;
The right hand of YHWH does valiantly.
17 I shall not die, but live,
And declare the works of YAH.
I once thought myself strong. My only strength, my only voice, my only life is in Your strength, Your song, Your right hand. Your Spirit is mighty, my spirit has no might. Yet with whatever breath You give me, YAH, I shall ever declare Your works.
18 YAH has chastened me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.
19 Open to me the gates of righteousness;
I will go through them, And I will praise YAH.
20 This is the gate of the Lord,
Through which the righteous shall enter.
21 I will praise You, For You have answered me,
And have become my salvation.
I know my great iniquity. I know I myself gave the Enemy his opening. Even so, You do not condemn. Please let me see myself as You do—no worse, no greater—that the gates of righteousness will invite me to dance within them with worthy praise for Your salvation.
22 The stone which the builders rejected
Has become the chief cornerstone.
23 This was the Lord’s doing;
It is marvelous in our eyes.
You are the only Rock upon which I build. I call upon You, named Wonderful, Majesty, Eminence.
24 This is the day YHWH has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
25 Save now, I pray, O Lord;
O Lord, I pray, send now prosperity.
Restore all, my Lord, as pleases You.
26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!
We have blessed you from the house of the Lord.
Let me ever bless Your name, without fail, with my first breath upon rising, with the last breath You lend.
27 God is the Lord,
And He has given us light;
Bind the sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar.
When I would crawl off the altar, hold me fast. Draw my soul to Light even as You slay me, Your living sacrifice.
28 You are my God, and I will praise You;
You are my God, I will exalt You.
29 Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.
Let my life be poured out in praise. If I have found favor in Your sight, let this be my highest privilege, greatest pleasure, and deepest passion: that I exalt the name of my God, ever declaring Your gracious and perpetual mercy.
For His mercy endures forever.
2 Let Israel now say,
"His mercy endures forever."
3 Let the house of Aaron now say,
"His mercy endures forever."
4 Let those who fear YHWH now say,
"His mercy endures forever."
Because I know You, I love You, My God. Because I know You, how can I not fear You? And because I know You, I do not hesitate to declare, "Oh, give thanks to YHWH, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever."
5 I called on YAH in distress;
YAH answered me and set me in a broad place.
6 YHWH is on my side;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?
How could I have known that the rough winds I thought to be a storm merely portended the fierce gales to follow? Would I have clung to You more tightly?
7 YHWH is for me among those who help me;
Therefore I shall see my desire on those who hate me.
8 It is better to trust in YHWH
Than to put confidence in man.
9 It is better to trust in YHWH
Than to put confidence in princes.
No matter. I called to both You and to human help. You were the One to answer. You are the Rock of Ages. You sent human help to comfort when it pleased You.
10 All nations surrounded me,
But in the name of YHWH I will destroy them.
11 They surrounded me,
Yes, they surrounded me;
But in the name of YHWH I will destroy them.
12 They surrounded me like bees;
They were quenched like a fire of thorns;
For in the name of YHWH I will destroy them.
13 You pushed me violently, that I might fall,
But YHWH helped me.
The Enemy's violent thrusts seemed like they would never end. Even now he seems to hover. Though You enabled me to vanquish him he yet watches me in my exhausted weakness. Your name is my strong tower, to which I run and am safe. You make me to know the broad place of salvation.
14 YAH is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation.
15 The voice of rejoicing and salvation
Is in the tents of the righteous;
The right hand of YHWH does valiantly.
16 The right hand of YHWH is exalted;
The right hand of YHWH does valiantly.
17 I shall not die, but live,
And declare the works of YAH.
I once thought myself strong. My only strength, my only voice, my only life is in Your strength, Your song, Your right hand. Your Spirit is mighty, my spirit has no might. Yet with whatever breath You give me, YAH, I shall ever declare Your works.
18 YAH has chastened me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.
19 Open to me the gates of righteousness;
I will go through them, And I will praise YAH.
20 This is the gate of the Lord,
Through which the righteous shall enter.
21 I will praise You, For You have answered me,
And have become my salvation.
I know my great iniquity. I know I myself gave the Enemy his opening. Even so, You do not condemn. Please let me see myself as You do—no worse, no greater—that the gates of righteousness will invite me to dance within them with worthy praise for Your salvation.
22 The stone which the builders rejected
Has become the chief cornerstone.
23 This was the Lord’s doing;
It is marvelous in our eyes.
You are the only Rock upon which I build. I call upon You, named Wonderful, Majesty, Eminence.
24 This is the day YHWH has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
25 Save now, I pray, O Lord;
O Lord, I pray, send now prosperity.
Restore all, my Lord, as pleases You.
26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!
We have blessed you from the house of the Lord.
Let me ever bless Your name, without fail, with my first breath upon rising, with the last breath You lend.
27 God is the Lord,
And He has given us light;
Bind the sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar.
When I would crawl off the altar, hold me fast. Draw my soul to Light even as You slay me, Your living sacrifice.
28 You are my God, and I will praise You;
You are my God, I will exalt You.
29 Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.
Let my life be poured out in praise. If I have found favor in Your sight, let this be my highest privilege, greatest pleasure, and deepest passion: that I exalt the name of my God, ever declaring Your gracious and perpetual mercy.
Friday, July 23, 2010
In the Groove
Hi, Lord.
I'm out of step with You. I'm making lame excuses for it. I've been saying that I'm out of my groove because of circumstances. That I'm too beaten down to do anything but lie on the mat. That You turned my life upside down. (Well, You did, and it's Your place to do it, but that's not an excuse for me to be out of step with You.)
I'm tired of being in this place. I'm doing the right stuff, going through the right motions. But you and I both know that's all it is. I'm going through the motions and my heart's only halfway in it. It's making me vulnerable to some ugly lies, too.
I need to put my whole heart back into life, Lord. I need the joy on the outside to be the full joy on the inside that gives me the strength to make the joy on the outside shine for You the way You deserve.
I'm not asking You to help me get my heart back in step with You so my life will go better. I don't even deserve the blessings You already give me. I'm asking You to help me because I miss walking so closely with You that I feel the shadow of Your light fall upon me without ceasing. I'm being a straggler right now, trailing behind You as we take this walk through the valley that seems like it ends but never quite does.
I'm not unwilling to keep walking through the valley, especially because I feel Your presence and I'll go wherever You are. I don't want to go anywhere You aren't leading. But please help me recapture the joy of my salvation that makes the praise I'm giving You something that gives You pleasure in the walking.
I deserve nothing. But You deserve the best I have to give, however pitiful it is. You deserve all of me, however small I am.
I love You so much, Lord. You are so good. You really are enough. The fire inside hasn't died, just needs a little of Your breath to be brighter. Please? And if You're willing, then while You're at it, would it be possible for You to heal me where the fire outside has scorched?
Please pull me close. Please pull me back into Your groove.
Thank You, Lord. Thank You for never leaving me.
I'm out of step with You. I'm making lame excuses for it. I've been saying that I'm out of my groove because of circumstances. That I'm too beaten down to do anything but lie on the mat. That You turned my life upside down. (Well, You did, and it's Your place to do it, but that's not an excuse for me to be out of step with You.)
I'm tired of being in this place. I'm doing the right stuff, going through the right motions. But you and I both know that's all it is. I'm going through the motions and my heart's only halfway in it. It's making me vulnerable to some ugly lies, too.
I need to put my whole heart back into life, Lord. I need the joy on the outside to be the full joy on the inside that gives me the strength to make the joy on the outside shine for You the way You deserve.
I'm not asking You to help me get my heart back in step with You so my life will go better. I don't even deserve the blessings You already give me. I'm asking You to help me because I miss walking so closely with You that I feel the shadow of Your light fall upon me without ceasing. I'm being a straggler right now, trailing behind You as we take this walk through the valley that seems like it ends but never quite does.
I'm not unwilling to keep walking through the valley, especially because I feel Your presence and I'll go wherever You are. I don't want to go anywhere You aren't leading. But please help me recapture the joy of my salvation that makes the praise I'm giving You something that gives You pleasure in the walking.
I deserve nothing. But You deserve the best I have to give, however pitiful it is. You deserve all of me, however small I am.
I love You so much, Lord. You are so good. You really are enough. The fire inside hasn't died, just needs a little of Your breath to be brighter. Please? And if You're willing, then while You're at it, would it be possible for You to heal me where the fire outside has scorched?
Please pull me close. Please pull me back into Your groove.
Thank You, Lord. Thank You for never leaving me.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
It's Not Over Yet
Sunday night our church's choir, orchestra and drama team will present a production titled "Shelter." As in, "The Lord is our Shelter."
After the choir's opening song, I will dramatically present Isaiah 40. It's not actually the entire chapter, because the running time for thirty-one long verses was about five and a half minutes, and we omitted a portion to get it down to just over three minutes.
Three minutes is quite brief. Most any song you'd listen to lasts longer. You might take that long to read this post if you make it to the end. It's taken me many hours to memorize the verses I'll present in three short minutes, praying I get them right.
It's taken me nearly half a century to learn their message, and I definitely don't have that down yet.
Isaiah 40 begins with the words, " 'Comfort, yes, comfort My people!' says your God. 'Speak comfort ...' " It ends with the familiar assurance that "those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength ... mount up with wings like eagles ..."
Isaiah 40 has been speaking to me personally since I retreated to a closet at church back on a January Wednesday and the Lord drew my attention to the question of Isaiah 40:27: "Why do you say ... 'My way is hidden from the Lord, and my just claim is passed over by my God' " ?
It seems my entire life has been spent waiting for one important thing or another. In recent months, I've thought more than once that I really have reached my limit of waiting (as if I have a choice). One night in April I cried and pleaded and whined and sobbed as I begged the Lord to please let me bring something important in my life to successful completion.
Something bigger than the meal that takes an hour to prepare and vanishes within moments. Something bigger than spending days of ripping apart old shrubs and planting bulbs that bloom for a few days each year and look awful year round because I can't get time to weed and thin them. Something bigger than memorizing three-plus minutes of Scripture and presenting it and having it well-received before it passes from the memory of its hearers.
Please, Lord, can't I please get it right in something important like relationships? Because I'm tired of hurting people and I'm tired of hurting and I'm just plain tired of trying.
I suppose the Lord waits longer than any of us for all He wants to complete in relationships. I suppose He must smile with empathetic amusement at my whining.
That night in April, He was kind enough to provide a reply.
It's not over yet.
Which is His reassuring way of saying the waiting isn't over yet, but the results will be worth the wait.
I do trust Him, if I trust nothing else.
So I have memorized Scripture. I will speak to others His Word which has spoken to me, and I will pray that they catch a glimpse of the Lord's reassurance in the waiting.
After the choir's opening song, I will dramatically present Isaiah 40. It's not actually the entire chapter, because the running time for thirty-one long verses was about five and a half minutes, and we omitted a portion to get it down to just over three minutes.
Three minutes is quite brief. Most any song you'd listen to lasts longer. You might take that long to read this post if you make it to the end. It's taken me many hours to memorize the verses I'll present in three short minutes, praying I get them right.
It's taken me nearly half a century to learn their message, and I definitely don't have that down yet.
Isaiah 40 begins with the words, " 'Comfort, yes, comfort My people!' says your God. 'Speak comfort ...' " It ends with the familiar assurance that "those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength ... mount up with wings like eagles ..."
Isaiah 40 has been speaking to me personally since I retreated to a closet at church back on a January Wednesday and the Lord drew my attention to the question of Isaiah 40:27: "Why do you say ... 'My way is hidden from the Lord, and my just claim is passed over by my God' " ?
It seems my entire life has been spent waiting for one important thing or another. In recent months, I've thought more than once that I really have reached my limit of waiting (as if I have a choice). One night in April I cried and pleaded and whined and sobbed as I begged the Lord to please let me bring something important in my life to successful completion.
Something bigger than the meal that takes an hour to prepare and vanishes within moments. Something bigger than spending days of ripping apart old shrubs and planting bulbs that bloom for a few days each year and look awful year round because I can't get time to weed and thin them. Something bigger than memorizing three-plus minutes of Scripture and presenting it and having it well-received before it passes from the memory of its hearers.
Please, Lord, can't I please get it right in something important like relationships? Because I'm tired of hurting people and I'm tired of hurting and I'm just plain tired of trying.
I suppose the Lord waits longer than any of us for all He wants to complete in relationships. I suppose He must smile with empathetic amusement at my whining.
That night in April, He was kind enough to provide a reply.
It's not over yet.
Which is His reassuring way of saying the waiting isn't over yet, but the results will be worth the wait.
I do trust Him, if I trust nothing else.
So I have memorized Scripture. I will speak to others His Word which has spoken to me, and I will pray that they catch a glimpse of the Lord's reassurance in the waiting.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
This is That
Life has held tough new challenges lately, and I've not felt the strength to meet them.
Worst has been that I'm not getting to my prayer closet as early and as undistracted as necessary for me to receive sufficient strength from the Lord to meet those challenges. I've been fighting weary apathy, devoid of the energy and passion more my character.
That weary apathy has been an enemy to face each morning. I've prayed for the Lord to awaken me as early as possible, when He knows I've had as much sleep as I need, so that I'll have time to meet Him and escape a downward vortex which the enemy says has entangled me.
The Lord has answered that prayer in ways He knows I can't resist—birdsong, thunder, cuddles.
My Daniel is five. He goes long stretches without a nighttime appearance in our room. Then he'll have a night when he awakens to use the bathroom, and not quite make it back to his own bed. Other times, he simply shows up inexplicably, snuggles into my arms quietly, and goes back to sleep.
He did so a few days ago at about the time morning light was making its own appearance. The clock display read 5:46—not too early to get up by any means. But it felt so good to cuddle Daniel's sleeping warmth. It gave my soul peace and joy and love. This was something real and tangible and strangely comforting, as only a small child might give comfort to an adult.
My prayer closet came to mind, and I offered the Lord, but Daniel's here.
He replied, this is that.
And I understood at once that my appearance in the prayer closet feels as good to Him as Daniel felt to me.
I relished the joy of Daniel's presence a few moments longer, then went to cuddle the Lord.
Why do I ever resist Him?
Why does He keep pursuing me?
He is so, so faithful. So merciful. So loving.
Worst has been that I'm not getting to my prayer closet as early and as undistracted as necessary for me to receive sufficient strength from the Lord to meet those challenges. I've been fighting weary apathy, devoid of the energy and passion more my character.
That weary apathy has been an enemy to face each morning. I've prayed for the Lord to awaken me as early as possible, when He knows I've had as much sleep as I need, so that I'll have time to meet Him and escape a downward vortex which the enemy says has entangled me.
The Lord has answered that prayer in ways He knows I can't resist—birdsong, thunder, cuddles.
My Daniel is five. He goes long stretches without a nighttime appearance in our room. Then he'll have a night when he awakens to use the bathroom, and not quite make it back to his own bed. Other times, he simply shows up inexplicably, snuggles into my arms quietly, and goes back to sleep.
He did so a few days ago at about the time morning light was making its own appearance. The clock display read 5:46—not too early to get up by any means. But it felt so good to cuddle Daniel's sleeping warmth. It gave my soul peace and joy and love. This was something real and tangible and strangely comforting, as only a small child might give comfort to an adult.
My prayer closet came to mind, and I offered the Lord, but Daniel's here.
He replied, this is that.
And I understood at once that my appearance in the prayer closet feels as good to Him as Daniel felt to me.
I relished the joy of Daniel's presence a few moments longer, then went to cuddle the Lord.
Why do I ever resist Him?
Why does He keep pursuing me?
He is so, so faithful. So merciful. So loving.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Renewed
I do not ask my children to endure what I will not endure with them.
When they've been stuck with needles, or had surgery, or endured far worse, I've insisted on being there, sometimes observing procedures that would cause the most stout-hearted to faint. I've always believed that I could not ever tell my children that they must go through anything alone. I thank the Lord that He has always empowered me to follow through on that belief.
Before the last year, the worst trials of my life had involved watching my children suffer what I would have gladly endured had it been possible to trade places. Each situation has brought me greater appreciation for Christ's suffering—and greatest appreciation for the Father's pain to watch His Son suffer. I do not mitigate in the least what our Lord Jesus endured on our behalf. But as a parent, I believe that the Father's suffering was greatest.
In the intense trials of the last year, I have been brought to my knees, and I have been brought to what seemed like the very end of myself. (I know all too well, however, that Self was only broken and yet lives. Drat!)
I would not wish the last year of my life on my worst enemy (though I know no person I count my enemy). Even so, I am grateful that the Lord put me through this, and did not force me to watch my children go through it. That, I think, might have been too much. I might have finally seen the place where I could not accompany another. (Thank You, Lord, for Your mercy.)
Yet I wonder how will they know what I now know. I can ask, "Have you not heard?" and they may say they have. But if I ask "Have you not known?" they cannot fully know it until the day they themselves test it:
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
~ Isaiah 40:28-31 (NKJV)
I fainted. I became weary. I found myself weakened beyond what I thought it possible for a Christian to be.
And this is what I now know. The Lord renews strength not as the reward for waiting upon Him. In the waiting upon Him—in the going back to Him, depending upon Him, turning to Him in every moment of utter and hopeless weakness—He gives not the strength for a lifetime, but the strength for the hour. Renewed strength is not the goal to attain as a lesson one learns and moves on. Renewed strength is the sustenance for the life hidden in Him.
He will not ask me to endure what He will not endure with me. And He asks me to do more than endure.
In the hour when I cried out to Him that it was too much, He was faithful and did not allow testing beyond my ability to stand. For in that hour He gave the strength to not merely endure, but to persevere with Him. He is the Everlasting God. I cannot outlast Him.
I understand that strength will always be available to me. I need fear nothing. The Everlasting God does not leave me—He leaves me renewed.
How I love Him!
When they've been stuck with needles, or had surgery, or endured far worse, I've insisted on being there, sometimes observing procedures that would cause the most stout-hearted to faint. I've always believed that I could not ever tell my children that they must go through anything alone. I thank the Lord that He has always empowered me to follow through on that belief.
Before the last year, the worst trials of my life had involved watching my children suffer what I would have gladly endured had it been possible to trade places. Each situation has brought me greater appreciation for Christ's suffering—and greatest appreciation for the Father's pain to watch His Son suffer. I do not mitigate in the least what our Lord Jesus endured on our behalf. But as a parent, I believe that the Father's suffering was greatest.
In the intense trials of the last year, I have been brought to my knees, and I have been brought to what seemed like the very end of myself. (I know all too well, however, that Self was only broken and yet lives. Drat!)
I would not wish the last year of my life on my worst enemy (though I know no person I count my enemy). Even so, I am grateful that the Lord put me through this, and did not force me to watch my children go through it. That, I think, might have been too much. I might have finally seen the place where I could not accompany another. (Thank You, Lord, for Your mercy.)
Yet I wonder how will they know what I now know. I can ask, "Have you not heard?" and they may say they have. But if I ask "Have you not known?" they cannot fully know it until the day they themselves test it:
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
~ Isaiah 40:28-31 (NKJV)
I fainted. I became weary. I found myself weakened beyond what I thought it possible for a Christian to be.
And this is what I now know. The Lord renews strength not as the reward for waiting upon Him. In the waiting upon Him—in the going back to Him, depending upon Him, turning to Him in every moment of utter and hopeless weakness—He gives not the strength for a lifetime, but the strength for the hour. Renewed strength is not the goal to attain as a lesson one learns and moves on. Renewed strength is the sustenance for the life hidden in Him.
He will not ask me to endure what He will not endure with me. And He asks me to do more than endure.
In the hour when I cried out to Him that it was too much, He was faithful and did not allow testing beyond my ability to stand. For in that hour He gave the strength to not merely endure, but to persevere with Him. He is the Everlasting God. I cannot outlast Him.
I understand that strength will always be available to me. I need fear nothing. The Everlasting God does not leave me—He leaves me renewed.
How I love Him!
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