At Your Feet

How often, my Lord, has the enemy shouted in my ear of my failures and shortcomings? (Is he not well-named "Accuser"?) Has he not distorted even Your sacred Word against me?

But I have made You my First. I have made You my all.

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
~ Psalm 73:25 (NKJV)

Weak as I am, I have fallen short so often. I find myself without strength to do more than lie at Your feet—sometimes weeping, sometimes wiping, sometimes kissing the only part of You I feel I can reach.

"But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10:42 (NKJV)

And here, at Your feet, I find anew that You are more than enough.

Absolved

We've won.

You, my Refiner, plunged me into the furnace. When the flames scorched, I flinched and struck out, for a moment in time, before I yielded to Your hand. When the fire brought death, I begged mercy and You paused, for a moment in time. When I thought the heat exceeded my endurance I looked to You, asking if we were finished. Ever patient, You asked if I was ready to begin. You are my Beloved—what could I ever refuse You? Blessed be Your name.

You, my Shepherd, led me into the valley of the shadow of evil. When the darkness closed in, I shut my eyes against it, stopping in my tracks. You are ever with me. You shall not forsake me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me, drawing me into Your light. You lead me in paths of righteousness, for Your name's sake. Blessed be Your name!

You, my Creator, brought me forth through the waters and into Your land. I cast my eyes on the mountain tops where the sun's shining down, where Your streams of abundance flow. You taught me to walk across the desert place and the wilderness, on the road marked with suffering. You take away my breath and netsach, and leave me low. You give me dances and language without words, to lift Your name high. Blessed be Your glorious name!

Choice, Continuance, Consummation.
Forgive, Forgiving, Forgiven.
Absolved, Absolving, Absolved.

The battle is won.
The war is not over.
The victory is secure.

My heart will ever choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.

What If

"We must through many tribulations
enter the kingdom of God."
~ Acts 14:22 (NKJV)

Indeed, all who want to live a godly life
in union with Christ Jesus
will be persecuted.
~ 2 Timothy 3:12 (ISV)

And who is sufficient for these things?
~ 2 Corinthians 2:15-16 (NKJV)

← ↓ → . ← ↓ → . ← ↓ →

You, Lord, see.

The flaming arrows.
The rivers of waters.
The cost.

You, Lord, know the truth.

You know I bless Your name.
You know my will is to walk in Your ways.
You know my ailing heart is steadfast.

You, Lord, see my frailty falter.

How long, Lord?
How far, Lord?
How much, Lord?

You, Lord, hear my plea before I form it.

I said I can last no longer, go no farther, offer no more.
I confessed to seeing no way through.
I admitted my fear to go deeper.

What if the only way through is to go deeper?

(a question gentler than an answer)

I affirm, Lord, my trust in You.
I follow, Lord, where You lead.
I cling, Lord, to You alone.

^/\^ ~≈~ ^/\^ ~≈~ ^/\^ ~≈~ ^/\^

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
~ Isaiah 43:2-3 (NKJV)

"Be strong and of good courage,
do not fear nor be afraid of them;
for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you.
He will not leave you nor forsake you."
~ Deuteronomy 31:6 (NKJV)

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
~ Psalm 34:17-19 (NKJV)

My Child

How is it possible to feel so old, and yet still feel like "a little child—I do not know how to go out or come in"?

I understand why You made this world so hard. Could sin not receive the full measure of its wages? And yet, Lord ... really? *sigh*

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
~ Psalm 73:25-26 (NKJV)

I love Your surprises, You know, even when You rebuke me. Your tenderness is unfathomable. Who but You would speak such words?

It's just that I'm so slow to learn, Lord. You surely understand why I would kick myself for having to learn the same lesson, over and over. If I will always choose You first, I suspect things would go easier.

And so I berate myself for being weak. I tell myself I'm stupid. I shake my head and roll my eyes. I'm harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I'd never in a million years think of speaking to another person the way I was speaking to myself.

And then, Your voice.

Don't speak of My child that way.

Why do You love me as You do?

I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD;
I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only.
O God, You have taught me from my youth;
And to this day I declare Your wondrous works.
Now also when I am old and grayheaded,
O God, do not forsake me,
Until I declare Your strength to this generation,
Your power to everyone who is to come.
~ Psalm 71:16-18 (NKJV)

Thank You, Lord. You are my all in all. I love You more than I know.

Not Worthy Yet Willing

May one cross human authority and remain innocent?
Can the one condemned refute the plea of "guilty"?

Prosecuted
My defense inadmissible
Without the right to stand mute
I accept my judgment
I accept my consequences
I accept my shame

I shall not deny that I have heard the voice of my Judge
Neither shall I assert innocence in Thy sight


It is better to trust in the LORD
Than to put confidence in man.
It is better to trust in the LORD
Than to put confidence in princes.


Into Thy hands I commit my spirit
my soul
my all

If I retain any measure of favor in Thy sight
Give me courage to approach Thy throne
Permit Thy maidservant to yet wait upon Thee
Thy judgments and Thy mercy are never failing


I shall not die, but live,
And declare the works of the LORD.
The LORD has chastened me severely,
But He has not given me over to death.
Open to me the gates of righteousness;
I will go through them,
And I will praise the LORD.
This is the gate of the LORD,
Through which the righteous shall enter.


I remain most unworthy
Of all the goodness and all the truth
Received from Thy scarred hand

I remain most willing
To receive whatever comes from Thy hand
As seems fitting in Thy sight

I Do

Lord, You know how difficult it usually is to write here. You know how much this place feels like I'm put on display as a spectacle to the world, both to angels and to men, even more than my other blog can feel that way. I didn't realize that there would be so many of Your people who haven't heard Your voice yet, who wouldn't understand. *sigh*

Yet I've trusted You to use this place in someone else's life, however that might be. I've become grateful for the way You've used this "journal" in my own life, reminding me of how close You've been in some very dark hours.

You see how the darkness still wants me. I did provoke it, I suppose. You answered that prayer swiftly and surely and mightily. Would I be so bold as to dare open that door again? I suppose I would, for You know I can't abide to simply stand and watch someone suffer if I think I can do something to help...

But what about all the lesser darkness that came before, that never overcame me? Was my crazy love for You all the provocation necessary? How inadequate I've come to feel, in both love for You and ability to face even lesser darkness. C'mon, Lord—I'm just a little child! You see that I cannot discern between my right hand and my left. You see that I am not sufficient as Your "aroma of death leading to death, and the aroma of life leading to life." Who sends a little kid out into such battle? It's too big!

When I spread my hands before You yesterday with all this, You spoke with such gentle strength. "I have been with you." Yes, You certainly have. And You're way bigger than the battle, which belongs to You anyway.

I want to feel my sufficiency in You again. I find I'm afraid to. What if it gives me that kind of boldness again? It seems safer to feel insufficient. Is the heat of war behind me, or do You only train me? (A little rest would be nice ...)

Thank You for loving me so much bigger than I'll ever comprehend. Thank You for the ways You assure me of that. I'm grateful for the reminders.

Like two days ago, when we brought home Elizabeth's new violin—the one she should have had before now instead of using that beginner one as she's advanced far beyond beginner. (Thanks so much for providing it BTW. What a miracle all that was!) I love her music so much. To my ear it already sounded lovely. And then she began playing on an instrument that took the same violinist, the same notes, the same song, and made them richer, fuller, gentler, and oh so sweet. What a difference!

She could hardly stop playing. As I listened to that sweet music, I became aware of how much different I'll look someday. I told You that I can hardly wait until the day when the stench of all the sin I hate so much no longer clings to me, when I no longer fail to behave as Jesus would, when my love for You is perfected. I told You that I want You to be able to see me as richer, fuller, gentler, and oh so sweet.

Only the power of Your precious Son's blood could make possible Your reply.

"I do."

Forever

I sink in deep mire,
Where there is no standing;
I have come into deep waters,
Where the floods overflow me.
~ Psalms 69:1-2 (NKJV)

When comes the dry season, Lord?

Reproach has broken my heart,
And I am full of heaviness;
I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none;
And for comforters, but I found none.
~ Psalms 69:20 (NKJV)

Even if there should be an 'alûph, there are no words to speak.

Give us help from trouble,
For the help of man is useless.
Through God we will do valiantly,
For it is He who shall tread down our enemies.
~ Psalms 60:11-12 and 108:12-13 (NKJV)

But You are ever with me. You do not release me.

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
~ Psalms 73:25-26 (NKJV)

Forever.